I have only one thing to say in my defense. I read the title, The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made. I was warned. Did I heed that warning? Hell, no. I put on my big boy pants and I took up the challenge. So, was I rewarded? Punished? Does it live up to its name? Well, let’s find out.
Written and directed by one Bill Zebub, who until this evening was wholly unknown to me. How this happened is beyond my grasp as the man (if anything) is prolific. As of this review he has churned out a whopping 23 movies since 2002! And according to Mr. Zebub’s website, he has several more films in the pipe.
This movie and I have a sort of love/hate relationship. From about 2 minutes in, well until the ending credits I stared at the screen with my head cocked, brow furrowed and my jaw a-slack, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
Something to do with a card game, a serial killer, a shit monster, terrorists, a 500 foot woman, a laser gun abortion, rednecks, giant bats, giant spiders, zombie Jesus and a whole bunch of other nonsensical shit.
But! It wasn’t until the ending credits that I discovered the genius of this movie. You see, it was there that I read this:
THIS MOVIE WAS WRITTEN, SHOT, AND EDITED IN EIGHT WEEKS FROM JAN – FEB 2005 AS A DARE
Yeah, walk into any Hollywood studio, whip out a blank check and proclaim “I want a finished movie in 2 months!” and then proceed to watch heads explode. Yet this self proclaimed “King of the B-Movie” accomplished this on a budget of $2000 in 8 weeks. This guy must have 12 feet of dick and a washtub full of balls.
As far as the movie itself goes, it’s kind of like the first time you get ass-tapped in prison. It’s horrible and the worst thing that could ever happen to you while it’s happening. But once it’s over you just can’t stop thinking about it. The acting is sub-amateur. The special effects are juvenile. And the script jumps around more than an epileptic crackhead. But do you know what? I don’t care. This may not be the worst horror movie ever made, but it sure gave it its best shot. It’s just one of those things that winds up being greater than the sum of its parts. That being said, remember: “Bananas are horrible creatures! They mutilate their prey!“
